Beauty Tips From A New Mother

Ever wonder how new mothers look so put-together all the time? Here are a few beauty secrets from an expert:

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1.) The Smoky Eye: After a night of zero sleep, rub your eyes thoroughly to force them open. Any traces of eye make-up left on your face (even if it is from your nephew’s bar mitzvah two weeks ago) will create a beautiful, natural smoky eye.

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2.) Clear Skin: Never underestimate the power of exfoliating.

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3.) Rosy Cheeks: Is your baby running a fever? Does your toddler have a charming case of the flu? Hug them tightly and you too can have a rosy, healthy-looking complexion.

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4.) Ruby-Red Lips: Who needs lipstick when you can stain your lips (and chin, and fingers) with your toddler’s rapidly-melting cherry ice pop? Slurp it up before it stains your carpet too.

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5.) Full Figure: Skip a nursing session with your infant and you too can have a voluptuous (and somewhat lopsided) chest. Ooh la la!

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6.) Styled Hair: You may not have noticed that your baby threw up in your hair, but you love how it holds a hairstyle in place. People will be saying, “There’s something about Mommy.”

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I Know What I Did Last Summer (but this one will be different…)

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1.) What I plan to do with my children:

Find lots of outdoor activities we can do together as a family.

What I will actually do with my children:

Find lots of indoor activities we can do together since it is 95 degrees and/or thunder-storming every…single…day.

 

2.) What I plan to read:

Several books that are Pulitzer-prize nominated or have “The [insert occupation]’s Wife” as a title.

What I will read:

The manual for the car seat my daughter has already been using for three months.

 

3.) What I plan to watch:

Finally check out those critically acclaimed shows like “Orange is the New Black.”

What I will watch:

“Blue’s Clues.”

 

4.) What I plan to accomplish:

Finally put together my daughter’s toddler bed. It’s been sitting in the box for three weeks. My daughter now takes her blanket and pillow out of her crib and puts it in front of the box and falls asleep while staring at it.

What I will accomplish:

Finally pay the hospital bills from the birth of my two-year old so the creditors stop threatening to hold her as collateral.

 

5.) What I plan to do:

Go to the gym and lose the last bit of baby weight.

What I will do:

Eat a sleeve of Reese’s Oreos while watching America’s Next Top Model

 

6.) How we plan to socialize:

Hire a babysitter and hit up as many rooftop bars, housewarmings, and waterfront restaurants as we can.

How we will actually socialize:

Realize our babysitter is at sleepaway camp for eight weeks. Be that couple who brings two kids under the age of three to a fancy cocktail soiree.

 

7.) Art I plan to create:

Draw several comics for my blog, and rediscover my love for en plein air oil painting.

Art I will create:

I will color in the smiling conehead sundae picture on the Friendly’s placemat.

 

8.) People I plan to visit:

Long-distance friends from college, out-of-state family I haven’t seen in a while.  Everyone who visited us in our cramped apartment (and ended up with their car getting towed).

People I will actually visit:

Anyone who has a shady backyard, pool, jungle gym, or better toys than we do.

 

9.) Fun summer activity we want to try:

Hiking in a beautiful park with our toddler and infant.

Fun summer activity we will actually try:

Watching the episode of Peppa Pig where they go hiking in a beautiful park.

 

10.) How I plan to catch up with people:

Will reach out via phone or email to old friends, former co-workers, and acquaintances I haven’t spoken to in ages.

How I will actually catch up with people:

I will “like” a picture of my second cousin’s baby on Facebook.