This Baby is Overdue

blog2AWondering when your exact due date is?  I have discovered a secret formula for calculating the day of your baby’s birth:

Take the date of your last period, add 40 weeks.  If you can’t remember it, try to remember the date of the last fight you had with your husband (it’s probably around then).

Subtract two weeks if you are having twins.

Add two weeks if you are known for being chronically late.  And an extra one if you are 35 weeks pregnant and still haven’t found a doctor who “supports your birth plan.”

Add another week if you like to over-think things.  On second thought, maybe subtract a week.  No, wait…definitely add one.

Subtract a week and a half if your feet are really swollen and you can’t wait to get this baby out of you.

Subtract three days if your husband asked that your impending labor not “ruin St. Patrick’s Day” for him.

Add a week if you won tickets to a Bon Jovi concert on your actual due date, and you really, really want to attend.

Add another week if your sister requested that you not have your baby on her birthday.

Congratulations; you have successfully calculated your exact due date.  Your baby will arrive sometime within six weeks before or after that date.  So happy planning!

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The Thin Blue Line

blog1AI don’t understand how someone can not know they are pregnant. There is probably a happy medium between knowing the second your embryo splits, and giving birth on a toilet in a Sbarros. But to have no idea makes no sense. I am possibly the person least attuned to my own body. I once walked around for a week with my shoulder twisted behind my neck before a stranger on the bus pointed out that it was probably dislocated. Well into my 30s, I still get surprised by my period. And yet I knew I was pregnant pretty soon after it happened. Here were some of my clues:

1.) I began scarfing down french fries and Cool Whip like it was my job.
2.) I sobbed uncontrollably at the Nationwide commercial where the man thinks his car is a giant baby.
3.) My father asked if I’d stopped going to the gym.
4.) Naturally, I had just purchased a case of wine.
5.) The five tests I took all said “pregnant.”

To be fair, I kept taking the tests because I liked seeing the word “pregnant.”

In four months, ask me again how I feel about that word.