Writings and Such

You can find my musings at:





Rules of Improv While Playing With Toddlers (May 24, 2019)

Just Wear the Goddamn Swimsuit (July 9, 2018)

If Becoming a Teacher Were As Easy As Purchasing a Gun (March 23, 2018)

Hello, I’m the Internet, and You’re Parenting All Wrong (January 8, 2018)

Traditional Thanksgiving Sidepieces (November 21, 2017)

People My 5-Year-Old Wants to Play With on the Playground (May 22, 2017)

Animated Film Ratings: A Guide for Concerned Parents (March 22, 2017)

Exit Strategies from Social Situations (December 17, 2016)

Fetal Tenant/Landlord Agreement (June 9, 2016)





The #1 Skincare Brand for Passing as Human (June 4, 2019)

Essay Prompts for Elite College Applications (March 13, 2019)

129 Ways to Find a Husband [updated] (March 1, 2019)

Your College Purity Test (As Fact-Checked by Male Former Classmates) (October 10, 2019)

12 Angry Women (April 20, 2018)

Dear Eponine: Love Advice From the Barricade (February 13, 2018)

My Political Facebook Post is Now Open For Comments (October 24, 2017)

Please Enjoy Your Stay at the Madonna/Whore Complex (July 25, 2017)




(selected highlights)

8 Bullshit Lies About Maternity Leave

How to Accurately Calculate Your Baby’s Due Date

Please Don’t Invite My Kids to Your Wedding

Defending the Baby Shower

Lose the Baby Weight in 12 Easy Steps





8 Things My Very Tall Daughter Can Expect (3/18/15)

Et Tu, Kimmy Schmidt? The Unbreakable Attack on Teachers (4/27/15)

The Fault in Our Scars (8/3/15)

Confessions of a TV Binge-Reader (10/6/15)






Please Contribute to our Passive Activism Patreon (May 7, 2019)

There Are Many Sides to Blame for My Getting Dumped by Justin (August 21, 2017)

Embracing the Pregnancy Inquisition

30 Ways I Talk Myself Out of a Third Child

I am So Over the Babymoon

How to Have Fun With Your Registry





So You’re Thinking of Giving Your Seat to That Pregnant Woman…(June 18, 2019)

Woman Excited to Hang Out in Last Remaining Bookstore, Doesn’t Buy Anything (Dec. 4, 2018)

What to Expect When You’re Expecting on a TV Show (August 14, 2018)

How to Not Suck at Surprise Parties (August 10, 2016)

Dear Personal Trainer (October 14, 2015)







(selected highlights)

Please Pick Me For Your Makeover Show

Dear Hilaria Baldwin, Your Postpartum Selfie Isn’t Helping

Incase You Were Wondering, I’ve Still Got It

Requiem for my Yoga Pants

The Day I Faked a Pregnancy







Yes, I’m Staring at You While You Breastfeed

A Prayer for my Interfaith Kids at the Holidays








From Guilt to Addiction: The 8 Stages of Getting a Pedicure

Rules for Surviving the Public Pool

10 Ways to Seamlessly Blend Hanukkah with Christmas for Your Interfaith Kids

8 Simple Rules for Playdating







My Baby Looks Like Orson Welles




Millenial Math Problems

Signs My iPhone4 Is Possessed by the Ghost of my Grandfather







If Sara’s Favorite Cartoon Characters Attended Her Fourth Birthday Party

Important Updates re: Bryson’s 5th Birthday Party





10 Tips for Surviving a NYC Street Fair With Kids




20 Ways Being a Teacher Will Warp You Forever

8 Ways to Transition Kids Back to School: By Ruining Summer

8 Issues Every Teacher-Parent Struggles With on a Daily Basis

10 Myths About What Teachers Do Over Summer Break

8 Ways Parent-Teacher Conferences Are Like a First Date

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