1.) Do you know what you’re having?
The most common b.s. answer to this question is “We don’t care what gender, as long as the baby is healthy.” You always have a preference, even if you don’t know you do. Maybe you think boys love their mothers more. Or you really don’t want to explain menstruation down the road. The next thing you know, you’re whipping out your sonogram pictures to strangers, proudly showing off your developing baby’s lady parts (which my husband begged me to stop calling the “money shot.”)
2.) When are you due?
Sometimes your child will share a birthday with a special event, for instance: I was born on the same day as Malcolm X’s assassination. My daughter, on the other hand, was born on the same day as a wedding I was planning on attending.
3.) Do you have any cravings?
Why yes, I do. I crave sailing lessons. Sometimes, late at night, I’ll have a strong craving for political debate, so I’ll make my husband put on C-SPAN. Edible cravings, you say? Occasionally I’ll have a penchant for castor oil, right out of the bottle. The other day I found myself gnawing on a charcoal briquette. Pregnancy cravings are so difficult.
4.) Are you excited/ scared / nervous?
I am all these things, at all times. Sometimes, I am so excited, I get scared that I’m not nervous enough. Or I’m nervous that my excitement will scare me.
5.) So, how are you feeling?
Where do I begin? Do I start with the heartburn and digestive issues? Or the fact my extremities are swollen like the villain at the end of “Big Trouble in Little China” (right before he exploded)? Or the fact that I am hugging the toilet more than a frat boy during rush week? Wait, where are you going? I thought you wanted to know how I…ohhhh. You were just making small talk with me at a holiday party.
In that case, I’m feeling great.