Q: Why do women want babies?
A: The answer to that question is threefold: To have someone to take care of us when we’re old and incontinent. To have someone to wear our clothes when they suddenly come back in style in 20 years. And to clean the chimney. It’s a narrow space, and we’re too damn big to fit up there.
Q: Why do you have to wait three months before telling people about the pregnancy?
A: It is standard to wait three months so that the woman can enjoy an occasional beer at a barbecue without being shamed.
Q: Does taking a giant dump feel the same as delivering a baby?
A: Yes it does. Especially if your bowel movement is surgically removed through a hole in your abdomen.
Q: Will your boobs get bigger when you get pregnant?
A: Yes, they will. But then they will get small again when they are drained by a hungry succubus.
Q: How can you get a baby to stop crying?
A: If you find out the answer to this question, please let me know. It is 3am, and I am running out of animals that Old MacDonald has on his farm.