Every pregnant woman wishes she could control when she gives birth.  Perhaps you’re hoping your water won’t break at the U2 concert you really really want to attend.  Maybe your sister threatened to disown you if you upstaged her at her own wedding.  Or perhaps your OBGyn told you that you can’t schedule a c-section if you’re not pregnant yet.  But that won’t stop a girl from planning, and with some simple math and good ol’-fashioned team effort, you may find yourself having the Type-A childbirth of your dreams.

So when’s a good time to make this happen?

January

Some people actually try to birth the first baby of the new year.  It’s pretty exciting in a “local news report” sort of way, until your child realizes that the entire world will be too hungover to ever celebrate with them properly.

February

Having a baby during the coldest, snowiest month of the year gives you that perfect excuse to curl up with a bag of marshmallows and binge-watch Orange is the New Black.  I mean, bond with the baby.

March

Actually, March is a lovely time to give birth, what with it no longer pissing sleet every day, but not being a sauna yet. Just avoid giving birth on certain blackout dates, since your husband will never forgive you if you ruin St. Patrick’s Day for him.

April

If you want your child to be a tax write-off, they need to be born before January 1st, not April 15. You probably already knew that, but in case you didn’t, there you go.

Plus, it rains a lot in April.  This probably won’t affect your birth plan (unless you plan to give birth under a drain pipe), but all that rain certainly won’t soften the blow that your new bundle of joy will not bring you a tax refund.

May

There is something very fitting about giving birth around Mother’s Day.  That way, it gives you the perfect excuse to always make your child’s birthday all about you.

June

Finally, the weather is absolutely gorgeous…so you hear.  You’ve been stuck in the same spot on the couch for three days, the baby is asleep on your lap, and any sudden movement will destroy the balance of the Force.

July/August

No one will be around to celebrate your child’s birthday, which is just as well, because it’s too damn hot to plan a party anyway.

September

Labor Day signifies the end of hanging out, relaxation, being outside, and fun festivities.  Kind of a fitting time to have a baby, no?

October

Columbus Day nautical birthday parties!  Maternity ward Halloween costumes! Pumpkin patch photo shoots! Your Pinterest account will be worked into an orgasmic frenzy.

November

Your child will be one of the oldest/youngest kids in their grade, depending on whether you opt to hold them back a year/ enroll them in pre-K early.  They will then grow up taking kids’ lunch money/ Doogie Howser-ing their way through secondary school.  Either way, November babies won’t have to pay for college.

December

Having a birthday anywhere within throwing distance of the “holiday season” will royally screw your child for life.  They will blame you for their diminished bounty, emancipate themselves immediately, and to rub salt on the wound, forge their birth certificate to say they were born on St. Patrick’s Day.

Happy planning!