I totally walked six blocks to the gym today when I went to cancel my membership.

I didn’t have a cupcake for breakfast today.

I want to reunite the cupcake with his family (whom I already ate).

The cupcake store needs to stay in business; the owner has a family to feed.

I might have already licked off part of the frosting.

There are starving people in the world or something.

Cupcakes are high in omega-3s.

I’m trying to be open to new experiences, and I’ve never eaten this particular cupcake before.

If I don’t eat the cupcake, ISIS wins.

If I don’t eat this cupcake, I’ll regret it. Maybe not now. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of my life.

If my mouth is full of cupcake, I won’t be tempted to smoke crystal meth.

I had a salad for lunch.

Even though my salad was really just a pile of stale lunch meat, at least I didn’t use dressing.

It’s not fair! I never get the last cupcake. It’s my turn, dammit!

If I don’t eat it, that bitch Kelly from Marketing will eat it.

The cupcake expires tomorrow.