So, other than not drinking weed killer or saline solution, I needed to know what other foods and beverages to stay away from while pregnant.  I decided to invite over my friend Lori*, who has had three kids and thusly considers herself a pre-natal nutritional expert.  She showed up with a Power Point.

*name changed to hide the fact that I don’t really have any friends.

Lori: So, I’m sure you already know:  no alcohol.

Me: My doctor says it’s okay to have a glass of wine a day.

Lori: A week.

Me: Ohhhhh.  Are you sure?  My doctor seems to think it’s good for calming my nerves, which is important to do while pregnant.

Lori:  Your doctor sounds insane.  Next up: types of fish to avoid.  Stay away from fish high in mercury, like king mackerel, shark, or tilefish.

Me:  Oh man!  I love tilefish!

Lori:  Really?

Me:  No.  What the hell is a tilefish? Who cares?  Next!

Lori:  No sushi.

Me: Sashimi?

Lori: ‘Fraid not.

Me:  Can I order the veggie rolls?

Lori:  Ugh, would you want to?

Me:  No.  What about ceviche?

Lori:  Oh, come on.

Me:  What’s wrong with ceviche?  It’s just raw seafood marinated in…[pause]. Okay, no ceviche.

Lori:  No deli meats, no hot dogs…

Me:  Not even street hot dogs?

Lori: They stew them all day in their own filth.  Absolutely not.

Me:  My doctor says I can have them in moderation.

Lori:  Your doctor sounds like a crackpot.  You’d get better pre-natal advice from Google MDs.  Oh, and no soft cheeses.  No brie, no Camembert, no goat cheese…

Me:  What about Cheese Whiz?

Lori:  I’m pretty sure that is not real cheese.

Me:  Whew.  At least I have something to spread on my tilefish sandwiches.

Lori:  [ignoring me] And no raw eggs.

Me:  Sigh…I have to cook my eggs now, like a savage?  And my fish.  And my red meat.  Pregnancy blows.

Lori:  You are a very lazy cook.

Me:  What kind of world is it where we’re encouraged to eat our own placentas, but can’t have ceviche?

Lori:  Ceviche is gross.  I have to go home now to make sure my husband doesn’t feed the kids Pop Tarts for dinner.  Good luck!