So, other than not drinking weed killer or saline solution, I needed to know what other foods and beverages to stay away from while pregnant. I decided to invite over my friend Lori*, who has had three kids and thusly considers herself a pre-natal nutritional expert. She showed up with a Power Point.
*name changed to hide the fact that I don’t really have any friends.
Lori: So, I’m sure you already know: no alcohol.
Me: My doctor says it’s okay to have a glass of wine a day.
Lori: A week.
Me: Ohhhhh. Are you sure? My doctor seems to think it’s good for calming my nerves, which is important to do while pregnant.
Lori: Your doctor sounds insane. Next up: types of fish to avoid. Stay away from fish high in mercury, like king mackerel, shark, or tilefish.
Me: Oh man! I love tilefish!
Me: No. What the hell is a tilefish? Who cares? Next!
Lori: No sushi.
Lori: ‘Fraid not.
Me: Can I order the veggie rolls?
Lori: Ugh, would you want to?
Me: No. What about ceviche?
Lori: Oh, come on.
Me: What’s wrong with ceviche? It’s just raw seafood marinated in…[pause]. Okay, no ceviche.
Lori: No deli meats, no hot dogs…
Me: Not even street hot dogs?
Lori: They stew them all day in their own filth. Absolutely not.
Me: My doctor says I can have them in moderation.
Lori: Your doctor sounds like a crackpot. You’d get better pre-natal advice from Google MDs. Oh, and no soft cheeses. No brie, no Camembert, no goat cheese…
Me: What about Cheese Whiz?
Lori: I’m pretty sure that is not real cheese.
Me: Whew. At least I have something to spread on my tilefish sandwiches.
Lori: [ignoring me] And no raw eggs.
Me: Sigh…I have to cook my eggs now, like a savage? And my fish. And my red meat. Pregnancy blows.
Lori: You are a very lazy cook.
Me: What kind of world is it where we’re encouraged to eat our own placentas, but can’t have ceviche?
Lori: Ceviche is gross. I have to go home now to make sure my husband doesn’t feed the kids Pop Tarts for dinner. Good luck!