How the Grinch Stole Valentine’s Day

valentineHusband: Hi, Hon. Happy Valentine’s Day.  I made dinner.

Me: Aw, that’s so sweet.  I’m totally craving burritos.

Husband: I made steak.

Me: Steak burritos?

Husband: No, just steak.

Me: (pause) That sounds great too.

Husband: (taking off my coat) You look nice.  I love your…oversized…raggy sweatshirt…thing.

Me: Thanks.

Husband: I didn’t know they still made R.E.O. Speedwagon gear.

Me: It’s the only thing that fits.

Husband: You look great in it.  Glowing.

Me: How soon ‘til dinner?

Husband: Almost done.  Um, I think a piece of your sleeve just fell off.

Me: Whoops.

Husband: Okay, dinner is served.

Me: No wine?

Husband: You can’t drink, so what’s the point?

Me: I can look at it.  I can smell it.

Husband: It seemed silly to pay $15 for something you can’t consume.

Me: $15?  Who am I, the Queen of England? (taking a bite of steak)  It seems a bit well-done.

Husband: I know, but you can’t have undercooked meat.

Me: But your steak is rare.

Husband: That’s because I like my steak delicious.

Me: Trade ‘em up, buster.

Husband: But the baby-

Me: Baby, schmaby.  Mama wants some bloody cow.  (eats husband’s steak).  Delicious, Honey.

Husband: So, for dessert, I figured we’d split a piece of pie a la mode.

Me: (blank stare)

Husband: And by “split,” I mean, “each get our own piece, with an extra one to pick off of.”

Me: Hooray, pie!

Husband: So…the baby’s still asleep.  You know what that means…

Me: Foot rub?

Husband: Um, yessss.  The one part of you I was really looking forward to touching was your foot.   Fine.  Okay.  (starts rubbing feet)  You know you have a hole in your sock, right?

Me: I haven’t seen my feet in about three months.  I could have a hole in my actual foot and have no idea.

Husband: Seriously, though.  The entire bottom of your sock has dissolved.  How can you not feel this?

Me: My boots cut off the circulation in my feet.

Husband:  Perhaps we should put the $15 wine money toward new boots.

Me: Or you could rub my feet more.

Husband: (ignoring request) Want to watch a movie?

Me: Nah, too tired.  Something shorter, like one of the tv shows we DVR’ed six months ago and never watched?

Husband: I have something better in mind.  (pulls out phone)

(Watch video of our daughter spinning in a circle while singing the “Map” song from Dora the Explorer)

Me: Best Valentine’s Day ever.

7 thoughts on “How the Grinch Stole Valentine’s Day

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