Creating a baby registry is like getting to commit legal armed robbery: you point a gun at an object, and eventually someone gives it to you. Here are my Top 10 tips on how to use your registry for your own amusement.
1.) Register for big-ticket items no one will ever purchase
If you register for a minivan, that $400 stroller will seem like a bargain.
2.) Turn your registry into a grocery list
The whole point of a registry is to list things you want or need, and have other people buy them for you. So if they’re already getting you diapers and detergent, why not throw in light bulbs, toilet paper, and eggs?
3.) Register for items that will cause your family embarrassment to purchase
If possible, choose items/brands that must be purchased in-store, so your friends and family have to directly ask sales clerks for said items. It will be nothing short of pure magic having to open the box of butt cream or panty liners your Aunt Margaret was forced to buy, since there was nothing else left on your registry. And make sure you tell her you’re thinking of her every time you use it.
4.) Register for as many items as possible that have the word “nipple” in it.
When you open the present at your shower, make sure to say the name of the item multiple times: “Grandma Becky got me the nipple paste I asked for! Thank you, Grandma, for the nipple paste. I can’t wait to use my new nipple paste.”
5.) Use your registry to confuse people as to your baby’s gender
“Wait, she wants a onesie that says “Daddy’s Princess” and one that says “Mommy’s Fancy Man?” Blue and pink swaddles?”
They don’t need to know that you plan on returning all of that stuff anyway to purchase more nipple paste.
6.) Do not register for clothes
90% of your baby’s 1st year wardrobe will be gifted to you anyway. And as long as you don’t mind receiving at least five pink velour tracksuits, or dressing your infant son like a turn-of-the-century paperboy, there’s no need to waste a potential gift on a duckie romper.
7.) Make sure there are lots of super-cheap items on your registry for your super-cheap friends to get for you.
And you knew that when you gave your friend a serving spoon as a wedding gift, she would someday pay it forward by gifting you a single pacifier. Serves you right, you tightwad.
8.) Don’t forget about a bouncer/ swing/ rocker/ vibrating chair/ playmat
Pick out the most expensive one in the store. Your baby will probably hate it, but may end up liking the box.
9.) Register for as many mattress pads, burp cloths, changing pad covers, and plastic wraps as you think people will shell out for.
Babies spew fluid from every orifice. Their fluids are gross, and will make your home seem like a dog park unless you take proper precautions. Remember when your grandmother kept her couch wrapped under layers of plastic? It wasn’t a fashion statement; she was trying to keep children from literally shitting all over her furniture. You’d be wise to follow in her footsteps.
10.) See if you can snooker someone into gifting you a Netflix subscription
You will spend a lot of the wee hours feeding, rocking, or passing out while holding your baby. And nothing says “quality bonding time with newborn” like a Game of Thrones marathon.