The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far From the Gwyneth

nameWhat’s in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other name, would smell as sweet.  Possibly, but if said flower was called “fart monster,” I bet fewer people would actually try to smell it.  Names are important, which is why my husband and I have devoted 99% of my pregnancy to trying to choose one wisely (and the other 1% to actually learning how to care for a baby).

The Top 10 Categories for Naming Your Baby

1.) Type of Name:  Sports Authority
Sample Names:  Peyton Manning, Jeter, Madden
What this will say about you: Your raging fandom extends to your wee ones.
What your child will be like:  Due to mild asthma and flat feet, the only thing your child will play is the tuba in the marching band.

2.) Type of Name:  Literary Heroes
Sample Names:  Hammett, Huckleberry, Lolita, Holden
What this will say about you: You are a well-read intellectual
What your child will be like: Super-cute, but dumb as a bag of pop rocks.

3.) Type of Name:  Old-fashioned
Sample Names:  Esther, Beverly, Dorothy, Maude, Irving, Ira
What this will say about you: You had an unusually close relationship with your great-grandparents
What your child will be like: Male or female, they will grow up to look like Bea Arthur

 4.) Type of Name: Celebrity Trends
Sample Names:  Khloe, Angelina, Scarlett, Taylor, Katy, Ashton
What this will say about you: You have your finger on the pulse of pop culture and current events.
What your child will be like:  Will someday get paid in singles.

5.) Type of Name:  Gender Benders
Sample Names: Jeff, Trevor, Gregory (for girls); Kimberly, Diana, Sue (for boys)
What this will say about you: You refuse to conform to societal norms
What your child will be like:  British.

6.) Type of Name:  Kreative Spellor
Sample Names: Jenyphr, Derryk, Peeta, Jazmene
What this will say about you: You like to think outside the box. Or are possibly dyslexic.
What your child will be like: Constantly pissed off that, at amusement parks, they will never find a keychain with their exact name on it.

7.) Type of Name: Presidential
Sample Names:  Monroe, Jefferson, Van Buren, Taft
What this will say about you: You have a strong sense of patriotism and history.  Also, you just read a restaurant placemat that lists all the presidents.
What your child will be like: A budding anarchist.

8.) Type of Name:  Random Stuff Around the Room
Sample Names: Apple, Salami, Twig, Blender, Luger
What this will say about you: You clearly do not care if your child is mistaken for a household appliance
What your child will be like: Frequently mistaken for a household appliance

9.) Type of Name: Music Lover
Sample Names: Ringo, Beck, Morrissey, Cher
What this will say about you:  You want everyone to know what good taste in music you have.
What your child will be like:  The best karaoke star at their prep school.

10.) Type of Name:  World Traveler
Sample Names: Seville, Cairo, Orlando, Geneva, Newark
What this will say about you: You want your child to have a meaningful connection to the place of their conception.
What your child will be like: Really, really grossed out by their name.

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One thought on “The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far From the Gwyneth

  1. Children named after sports icons will have to add their terrible middle initial to their name to distinguish their failure in life to achieve iconic status as their namesake, such as Peyton T. Manning.

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